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| deleted every single one of my blogs.
i wish they were still there so i could laugh at everything i did back in the day.
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| I got an email titled "Your Xanga Subscription Digest".
I didn't know there was such a thing as Xanga anymore.
But yeah. Apparently, there is.
Even if Leading Edge doesn't use it anymore.
It beats Myspace in the sense that no one uses it.
So hey. It's February fifth.
9 days until Valentine's Day.
I'll be alone, again. I'm used to it. In fact, it doesn't bother me anymore.
It's one day. It's one month. It's one year.
It's one lifetime.
It's cool to be alone for one day, because an average person gets to experience 77 Valentine's Days.
I can chill with being alone for the 14th one in a row.
I'm not looking for sympathy.
No one's even going to read this anyways. :]
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| last night, i watched "The Joy Luck Club" and decided it was best that i didn't watch it with my mom.
but it was good; that's not the issue.
i just know she would start bawling and i hate dealing with that.
it's Saturday. i'm locked indoors.
i do not want to go to church tomorrow
and i do not want to go back to school.
i wish it were Christmas Break all year.
i finished "Speak" last night.
i forgot how much i loved that book.
the next book i'll read again is probably...
i don't know.
nothing sounds good, but i need something to read.
whatever.
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| "Today is probably the worst day ever. Its with our deepest regrets that
we have to write this. Casey Calvert passed away in his sleep last
night. We found out this afternoon before sound-check. We've spent the
entire day trying to come to grips with this and figure out as much as
possible. At this time we're not sure what exactly happened. Just last
night he was joking around with everyone before he went to bed. We can
say with absolute certainty that he was not doing anything illegal.
Please, out of respect to Casey and his family, don't contribute or
succumb to any gossip you may hear. We don't want his memory to be
tainted in the least. Casey was our best friend. He was quirky and
awesome and there will truly be no others like him! His loss is
unexplainable. As soon as we know more we will let you know.
Sincerely,
Hawthorne Heights Eron, JT, Micah and Matt"
- from http://www.hawthorneheights.com
I, for one, actually listened to HH. I haven't for awhile, but I still loved them.
And I have the "This is Who We Are" DVD.
Casey stood out. He is quirky, he is funny, he is stupid.
But I love him. They love him. We love him.
Rest in Peace Casey.
We know you're somewhere better now.
As cliche as it is.
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| i told kris everything last month.
i dunno if any of you know that.
i told him every fucking thing that happened to me
and what i did to him and all that other fun shit.
i told him how i made some bad decisions and blamed them on him.
i told him how i was practically in love with him since third grade and that's why i treated him so nasty.
i told him why i had become so cold to him.
but most importantly, i told him i was sorry.
but did i get any sort of response whatsoever?
no i didn't.
but i'm glad.
because now we can both pretend it never happened.
which is great. because it is all behind me now. i'm so much happier with the way i am.
he doesn't need to be a part of my life any more than i need to be a part of his.
i know this is a lost cause, updating here.
no one ever comes on.
no one reads. no one really cares.
but a part of me still wants to be two years back when that's all it was.
xanga xanga xanga.
not myspace.
i come here just to see how empty it looks.
and how fucked up our minds have become over myspace and boys and high school.
can you believe we're already almost to the end of semester one?
i can't.
it feels like yesterday that i was starting sixth grade and knew no one.
but hey, i can't cry over spilled milk. but i do.
i miss you guys.
i miss the fun conversations we had here everyday.
i remember how i made friends here and when we came back from summer break, i had all of you.
all i had to do was meet you.
i remember that, do you?
i remember when you all found out that one November day.
i remember finding out that most of you guys stilled loved me.
and the next day was the hardest. so much harder than anything else.
when you all said that you were still there.
[even if you didn't literally say that, you meant it]
and i remember DC. i remember the Constitution test.
i remember portfolio and crying even though i didn't fail.
i remember the last dance and feeling gorgeous
[for once]
and i remember graduation.
and crying.
and crying.
and crying some more.
i remember having that swim party.
and for once, being totally comfortable in front of all of you.
i remember the hugs and tears and everything.
and now, we're already halfway done with our freshmen year.
can you believe we've made it this far?
i wish i still had all of you.
but i don't.
i miss you guys, a lot.
and i wish you would read this, but you won't.
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